If your child sleeps, I hate you.

If your child sleeps, I hate you.   But, most of all I'm jealous.  Very jealous.  I don't really know how it all crumbled and fell apart.  There was a time when I could put my daughter to bed with a little kiss and cuddle and walk out.  She even slept through the night at one point.  However, that is such a distant memory I can't even recall how long it  actually lasted.  Part of me wonders if I made the whole thing up.  Currently bedtime is hell.  Yes, HELL.  It consists of Cora crying and saying she doesn't want to go in her cribby.. she wants to cuddle me... "Don't leave me, Mama!" "Save me, Mama!" Yes, the kid knows how to guilt you.  It also involves me laying on her floor.  Yes LAYING ON HER FLOOR.  And, to top it all off - I'm 22 weeks pregnant.  It's not even comfortable laying in a bed at 22 weeks pregnant, can you imagine a floor!?  So yeah, if your child sleeps, I hate you.

Now, don't get me wrong, she does (most nights) eventually fall asleep in her own room (without me caving and taking her into my bed..)  Sometimes I'm on her floor for an hour and then I give up and she cries for 10 minutes and falls asleep.  If my husband is home, I'll ask him to rescue me after an hour and usually his continuous singing of "Frere Jacques" lulls her to sleep.   So, once asleep you'd think that were it.  Like, how could it get worse?  How could I be punished even further after laying on a cold, hard floor for 1 hour?  Well, it can and it does.  She wakes up in the night. EVERY night. AT LEAST once.  Sometimes three times.  I was strong for a few nights and sat on her floor and waited until she laid back down in her crib and went to sleep.   I did this at 11:00pm.. 1:30am... 3:30am... yes, always a ridiculous ungodly hour to be sitting on your child's floor begging them to lay down and go to sleep.  But now, I'm pathetic and tired and cold.  I scoop her up and bring her in "mama's bed" and we cuddle and fall asleep.  Part of me doesn't mind her in my bed all that much, and part of me does.  Part of me loves to snuggle up against her, kiss her soft face, brush back her silky hair and feel her little hand on my cheek.  And part of me wants to be able to sleep in a space larger than six inches wide.  And even more of me is nervous about when BGB (baby girl Burke) the second arrives.  How am I going to nurse an infant and deal with an anti-sleeping toddler?  Anyone have the magic answer?  Anyone?. . .

So, for now I'll fantasize about a child who I can kiss and cuddle and help into her own bed.  I'll dream of a magic place where my little girl says "night night mama!" and lays down confidently and falls asleep.  I'll imagine this magical, mystical place that sure as hell doesn't exist in our home in New Hampshire.  And, I'll write about it here so you can all laugh at my expense, feel bad for me, or tell me the baby sleeping secret that works every time without tears.  In the meantime, I won't hold my breath for a magic answer.  I'll just wait to see what time Cora ends up waking up at tonight.