calorie counting sucks.

I usually don't share/blog/write about my attempts to lose weight.  I usually keep it pretty private.  But now?  I'm hoping that writing about it will help me.  Help hold me accountable.  Help motivate me.  Help keep me on track.  Here's hoping.  And I'm writing because I feel like I need all of the potential support/outlets/avenues possible.  I've always struggled with my weight.  Literally always.  As in my entire life.  As in I remember being in Kindergarten and thinking I was fat.  Crazy, right?  Sad, isn't it?  If it were another child I'd be devastated they felt that way.  But it's me, so this is all I know.  So yeah, I've been heavy my whole life.  What kills me, is 5 years ago I was at nearly my lowest weight ever, and at the time, I still wasn't happy with how I looked.  I mean, I felt okay, but I wasn't really happy with what I saw in the mirror.  And now? (at the heaviest I've ever been!)  I could cry at the thought of where I was. 

But, instead of crying, I'm getting up, dusting myself off and counting my calories.  I'm counting my calories and I'm working out.  I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.  Today I said the mantra of "I can control what I put in my mouth.. I can control what I put in my mouth."  This was true... until dinner time.  Now, I didn't go eat a pizza.. but I still went a bit above my allotted caloric intake (I'm aiming for 1200 a day).   But, I'm trying to not feel guilty and just move on.

Did you say calories?  Okay, let's talk calories. 1200 calories is not a lot.  I don't care who you are.  If you tell me it's hard to eat 1200 calories because it's so many, I will not believe you.  I'm sorry, but I just won't.  I will tell you that you are a liar.  Sorry, but I will.  To me, 1200 calories feels like starvation.  Kind of.  Now, don't get all high-and-mighty on me, I know 1200 calories isn't starvation.. and that I'm not really starving because children in [insert-your-favorite-third-world-country-here] are starving.  But, it feels like I'm starving.  Sometimes I feel weak, occasionally get dizzy and flushed with heat.  I assume this is just the lovely side effects of drastically cutting your food intake.  And thanks to tv shows like Biggest Loser, etc, I know for a fact that 1200 calories isn't too few.  And based on MyFitnessPal, 1200 calories equals a 2 pound per week weight loss.  I'll take it.  If it happens.

So here I am.  At the start of a very long journey.  Trying to stay motivated.  Trying not to throw in the towel.  Trying not to obsess and feel immense amounts of guilt after I eat a bit too much.  Trying to be physically active.  Trying hard to lose weight.  A lot of weight.  How much weight?  Should I say?  I'm scared to write it.  But, I will because what have I got to lose?  Oh yeah, 50 pounds.  

Words of support and encouragement accepted.